Blazing trails in the woods

I'm sitting in one of the cafeteria/cafe areas at the college.  The food is mediocre at best.  There aren't enough outlets for all the laptops, iPads, tablets, whatever that abound here.  I may get knocked off the wi-fi in less than fifteen minutes.  There are so many first world problems that I won't even get into them.  Irritating, they are, like that one damned fly that just loves to visit when you need to focus.  Damned fly.

It's been raining off and on.  The sun is trying to break through the clouds.

I've got two knitting projects with me.  A hat for a Ravelry friend with cancer (fuck cancer, as you all know) and a cardigan for me.  I probably need to break one of them out.  I will in a bit.

I should also start one of the two papers that are due in a couple weeks.  I can't make myself care enough to do so.  Instead I'm pondering the quirks of my beliefs.

One of the classes I'm taking this semester is Comparative Religions.  I've always been fascinated by the subject.  What makes this religion so different from another?  How much do they have in common.

This lead me to look at my own beliefs.  I freely admit that I'm a happy little pagan.  I also knew that I had some Buddhist leanings, but until we read up on that, I didn't know how much.  The phrase 'live simply, so others my simply live' comes to mind.

I'm still pagan with a goddess and all that happy horse shit.  But I'm finding more about myself.  This is always a good thing.

PRO-castination!

There's a Netflix commercial (I think) were a guy pretending to be a Mary Poppins-like butler starts singing 'Imagination'.

I've got the word 'procrastination' bouncing in my head to the same tune.  Lucky, lucky me.

It's...annoying to say the least.

My winter/spring semester started last week.  I'm hoping not to fall apart like I did last semester.  Bah.

I've got a pair of fingerless gloves to complete for a friend's kid.  Marfan's and Reynaud's does not sound enjoyable to me one bit.  I offered to knit him some since his hands get so cold and then he can't play whatever game he wants to.

Then there's the scarf I want to knit for myself and possibly two sweaters.  One in a denim blue cotton yarn and the other in some Ssnguine Gryphon Traveller yarn in grey.  I've also got some bright freaking blue yarn for them.  That's yelling to be some sort of cropped cardigan, I think.  I don't know.

And off to homework!  With a damp dog on my bed.  Yay.

We the People...

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

1791

SOPA in plain English.

Done!

My holiday knitting, that is.  Two hats and a Calorimetry.  Plus a small micro-turtle done in brown cotton.  (Note to Self: Don't knit anything fiddly in cotton.  It makes you cuss)

Sadly, the photos are still on my camera or laptop and not uploaded quite yet.  I'll probably to that tomorrow--along with folding laundry.  Whee.  What an exciting life I lead.

However, I may be able get get one more hat done.  This would be for my baby niece, Sprite.  I'm in no hurry, but it should be a fairly quick knit.  We shall see.

I have a mystery package UPSing its way to me.  I'm not too sure what it is, honestly.  It might be some tea samples, but I'm drawing a blank here.  It's not the right coast for my BPAL order to be shipped from, so...

Christmas shopping and wrapping were also finished up today. 

Frankly, all I want right now is for the car I use to be fixed.  Two Fridays ago, said car decided it didn't like that particular vintage of anti-freeze and left it all over the carport.  Bugger.  I realized this when, after dropping Imp and canned goods off at school, the car decided not to put out any heat and the engine get really hot.

I made the fifteen minute drive back home begging it not to explode on me.

We have yet to hear back from the cranky mechanic.  He's a crusty old soul.  I like him.

It's raining, it's pouring

It's the middle of December and I just heard a couple of rumbles of thunder.  It's also close to 60 Fahrenheit.  That's not right in my book.  It's supposed to be a good twenty degrees cooler at least. 

Although, this does explain the migraine I have. 

I guess I haven't been knitting enough around various family members.  My niece asked me this past Sunday for a knitted hat for Christmas.  Green and with cables, thank you very much.

Now, I just relieved a skein of Sanguine Gryphon's Bugga!  But there is no way I'm using that yarn on a kid that attracts dirt and smutz like a magnet.  I refuse.
 
So, I trekked up to my LYS and snagged a skein of Universal Yarns Classic Worsted.  This is the same yarn I used on Imp's never ending scarf.

Violet, my niece, will get an Owlie Hat. 

I promised my sister-in-law, Bubbles last year that I'd make her a calorimetry.  I don't know how many times I tried to figure that so simple pattern out, but couldn't get it.

This year?  Dude....

So I made her one.  One that's too small.  GAH!  Thankfully, I have enough of the Berrocco Ultra Alapca to make a bigger one, which is where I'm heading to in just a minute.

I'd rather be sleeping, though.

Die in a fire. Now.

I said as much to a classmate of mine today in A&P.  This year sucks.  I've given up on caring about much.

Granted, part of it is my depression talking, but I've never been this...Scroogish is how she put it.

And to make matters worse?  There's a good chance that the teachers at my college are going to go on strike after 12th.  So I don't even know if the spring semester will start on time.

Screw this, I'm gonna go knit.  And try to get more than three hours of sleep at night.  Sleeping during the day?  No damned problem.

I can't even describe how cranky this is making me.

You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~C.S. Lewis

I'm avoiding my A&P work for a little bit.  All the abbreviations for various hormones are swirling around in my vision.

Instead I've been pondering what to make with my single skein of Road to China.  Then I've wondered if I should snag one or two more skeins....  That is a Gollum yarn if I ever saw one. 

I know I want whatever I make with it so be next to my skin.  I'm thinking of another pair of fingerless mitts since my hands get so freakin' cold.  Or maybe a cowl...but probably the mitts.  They're something I can do in class if I want.

Speaking of fingerless mitts...one of my classmates in my ASL class wants me to make her a pair.  In black.  That's fine, but d'you know how hard it is to find a black superwash yarn that doesn't cost an arm?  I'm going to have to talk to her and see if she wants easy to care for or not-so-easy-to-care-for.  It doesn't matter to me.  I just want her input.  Although, I did find some Cascade that should work for the superwash.

In other news in my not-so-exciting life, I ignored yesterday to the fullest extent that I could.  It would have been mom's 59th birthday.  I refused to deal with the world.  I fully believe that I was allowed to do so.

Then there's the shed.  In our backyard, we had a metal shed that was put up when I was about six or so.  The only thing that was holding it up was the rust and everything crammed inside.

Wednesday, it was only the flotsam inside holding it up.  The area had wind gusts of 40 mph.  the shed just gave up.  Dad was planning of replacing the shed, y'know, AFTER the winter.  Momma Nature had other plans.  Ah well.

It wouldn't have been so bad if the car I use didn't decide it needed a new battery and a tune-up.  When it rains, right?

I got some new tea samples this week, too.  From Harney & Sons.  For only two bucks for a sample, I didn't think it was a bad buy.  I got three; Irish Breakfast, Cranberry Autumn Blend, and Holiday Tea.  I've only tried one so far, the Cranberry Autumn.  It's a sweeter tea.  I don't need to add any sweetener to it.  The smell is juicy and red.  It reminds me of burning bushes in full fall color.  However, I don't think I let it steep long enough because all I could really taste was the water.  Or maybe it's just a really mild tea.  I don't know.

It did remind me of Puck.  I'll give it another try.

I've been debating on getting a Kindle.  I'm really interested in the Fire, but balk at the price-and it's one of the more..economical ones.  Maybe I'll go for a mid range one.  I need to start reading a little more.  Or get into audiobooks.  I don't know which yet.

Back to the books.  Meh.

Dance, Skeletons, DANCE!

Hello, I'm good for nothing, won't you love me just the same?

It’s three-thirty in the morning; the radio was playing some sort of upbeat song before I turned it off.  I need to be asleep.  I have class in a couple hours, but I can’t turn my head off.

I don’t fit.  I know that. 

I also know that I have depression.  I have good times and not so good times.  Then there the times that my demons just gnaw and gnaw and gnaw away at me.

I’m broken.

All I can do is break my child in the same way.

I already broke my child.

It’s useless for me to be around.

I can go on.  But, the thing is, I know that no one wants to be around the real me.  Everyone has this idea that I’m quirky but fine in the long run.  I can see it in their eyes.

I wonder what they see in mine.

The old urge to just run away is so strong.  There’s only one thing that’s keeping me around.  And I’m so afraid that all I’m doing is breaking him in ways that can’t be fixed.

Like I can’t be fixed.

Have you ever seen an old classic movie called ‘FREAKS’?  I feel like I would make those folks seem normal.

I spend every day wearing masks that other people want to see that I often don’t know who I really am.  Except something no one wants to see.

I’m supposed to be the responsible one.  I’m the one that supposed to have some sort of sarcastic quip ready for the right moment.  I’m the one people can turn to.  I’m the one that holds it all together.

But…I’m not.

I try so hard, but I can’t.  But I have to.

I’m left holding pieces that don’t make any sense to me.  I don’t read sheet music and they want me to play something for them. 

Somehow I’m able to fake it.

I’m just tired of it all. 

I mean, I’m thirty something years old and I haven’t done anything remotely considered productive in about four years. 

I keep trying and expecting different results, but the same damned thing keeps happening.  How stupid can I be?

I often feel like some…specimen locked away in a glass box with people going ‘ew’.

I want to believe that it’ll turn out alright.  That I won’t always be some sort of fuck-up.

And in a few hours, I’ll get up and try for something new and just get kicked to trying.

 Yeah, I know what she's singing about.

Why did I procreate?

Oy.  My baby niece had definitely cured me of wanting anymore kids.  Imp is more than enough.

Almost three hours of screaming.  We think she has colic like my brother did.  I didn't care for that then, and now is no damned different.

Somewhere in this house is a picture of 23 month old me sitting in a white tee and diaper, holding brand-spanking-new-Brother dressed the same and screaming the house down.  Evidently the look on my face was one of "return this noisy thing from where you got it.  RETURN NOW".

That explains our relationship to a 't'.

In other kiddie news, Imp now has his glasses.  Here's hoping he's not teased like the way I was.  He's also in band.  Playing drums. 

See?  There's his brand new, ooh it's so shiny snare drum.  With that stupid never ending scarf.  I finally finished it and promptly did a little victory dance.  

The pattern I used called for knitting the thing on DPNs and then adding fringe to the ends.  Well, there's no way on Gaia's great green tukus that I was going to make a five foot scarf with fringe for a ten year old boy.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.

So, I made it in the round and added a blanket stitch edging to both ends.

My mistake was making it on DPNs.  I should have just made it on straight needles in a ribbed pattern.

I learned my lesson well.

I almost strangled him with it, too.  Imp has a love/hate relationship with school.  He downright loathes to write.  A paragraph may take up to three hours.  Add into this that like any kid he will lie about having homework done.

I've fought with his school district for three years trying to figure out what there is wrong.  Imp can do his work, he won't sit still for it, though.  Last year I asked the school for an IEP.  Which, by state law, they have to provide, if I understand right. 

Except, they didn't.  They instead told me that if Imp does have a problem, then it's not severe enough for them to get involved.  I disagreed.  My mom-stinct was screaming that there's Something Not Right.

It's not bias when I say Imp is extremely intelligent.  He can focus when he wants to.  Cripes, in third grade he was reading Harry Potter with now help.  I think he was the only third grader in the district that could!

I had also asked his doctor about getting him tested to see if he had a learning disability, because I wanted to help him get the tools he needs.  I was told not to give him soda.

Oh, for the love of-!  Look, I may look young, I may have been born blonde, but I am not an idiot.

I went to the local university, which had a kiddie psych program and that would test him for me.  I didn't want to just arbitrarily slap a label on Imp.  I wanted to help him.

We're still fighting the homework.  He'd rather talk or bounce around.  I honestly think that he's just bored out of his skull.  I just have no idea how to get the school district to listen to me.

I need a drink.