I have brownies cooling on the stove.  Want to know the worst part about brownies?  Smelling them while you wait for the pan to cool enough to cut.

Torture, I tell you.  And yelling at them to cool faster isn't working.  Dammit.

Imp is off for his first day at his new school.  I'm hoping that this one goes better than the old district.  I was getting the impression that they wrote my son off on the basis of his last name.  See, my brother and I went to the same district, and one teacher had the damned cojones to tell my brother while he was a sophomore that he was wasting time and should drop out.

Imp had a teacher last year to tell him to shut up, that he was just wasting time in class.  Needless to say, I saw red.

Anyway, news:

There is no way for me to get my student loans deferred.  And I'm still trying to find a job.  It's getting more and more soul sucking as I try.

It also doesn't help that the medications I take for my migraines are gone.  And I can't get more until the neurologist gets the paperwork for the patient assistant program sent off.

I'm also at a standstill with the ACA healthcare.  See, Illinois requires something called an 'RIN' in order to enroll.  The RIN is only found on a medical card.  Which, you know, I don't have.  So, in order to enroll for an insurance plan, I have to apply for a medical card first.  Just to get that RIN.  It makes no sense to me.  I'm still waiting for the medical card or denial.  Once I have that number, I'll be able to get insurance.

And while all this is going on, I'm trying to design my very first knitting pattern.

It's going to be a lacey cowl called 'Gateway'.  I'm knitting it on size six needles with fingerweight yarn from Larkshead.  Who just happens to be my LYS owner.  It's a colorway called 'worn in' of 85 sw wool/ 15 silk.

And it's soft.  I'm hoping to have enough left over to try something else in this yarn.  Right now, I'm about halfway through knitting it.  At least one of my testers finished it.

Suzie Homemaker and Me, the twain shall never meet.

A while back, quite a ways back really, a friend called me Suzie Home-maker.

I reacted somewhat violently to that moniker.  I do not like that title.  I don't fit that title.

Even though I probably do damn near all of the things under that title.

Let me explain:

In my mind Suzie Home-maker evoke images of June Cleaver and Martha Stewart.  And honey, I am so fucking removed from those two that I'm on a different planet.  Perfection doesn't mean much to me.  I don't wear make-up on a daily basis, my hair is the bastard offspring of an English Sheepdog and an Elder God that I sacrifice copious amounts of conditioner and hair ties to, dresses are something I wear to fancy shingdigs not to wash the damned dishes.

I knit.  I have two sewing machines that are older than me.  One of which you will pry out of my cold, dead hands.  I need to get them looked at to make sure they still work and figure out what in the hell to do with machine number two.  Because I don't need two.  Not with the one I'm calling Bertha around.

Part of me wants a small(ish) garden.  Why?  Have you seen food prices lately?  It's gods-be-damned economical to grow somethings myself.  It's a project for later.

I am not, nor will I ever be a Suzie Home-maker.  You're more likely to find me in men's cargo shorts and some sort of t-shirt blasting Flogging Molly at close to concert levels--it's nice living with a man with DJ equipment, over cooking a four-course meal in pearls.

Do I hold anything against Suzie's?  Nope.  It's just not me.

Sisyphus had it easier

As my last post stated, I got accepted into a local university.  I'm still in shock over that.  I applied on a whim, not thinking that anything would come of it.  Same with financial aid back in....January.

And therein lies my boulder.  A $737 boulder of student loans.

Let's back up to 1998 when after graduating from school, I went away to college.  I had a scholarship through the school that paid for a quarter of my tuition.  I got financial aid that paid for the rest.  Until someone lost one important piece of paper that my parents and I signed.

Alright.  We have a copy of it.

Oh, no.  We can only accept the original.

I'm not exactly too sure how long my parents argued that one.  All I remember is the possibility that I wasn't going to be able to finish my freshman year.

It came down to getting a couple loans.  We were less than happy, dammit.  We had done everything right.

Due to a massive case of depression and migraines run amok I was asked not to return.

Then my son was born a year or so later.

And my college plans were put on hold.

I've paid off the vast majority of the loans.  It's taken time, because most places don't understand what migraines are.  I've come to accept that.  I deal with it.  I don't want pity.  I don't need pity.  I want a fucking chance, though.

I'm taking a chance on trying to go back to school.  The past three years, I was at the local community college trying to get into the occupational therapy assistance program.  My chances are slim to nil.  My GPA just isn't good enough.  However, most of the classes I took for that program (the generals) also will transfer for a teaching degree.  Hell, I've been teaching my son most of what he knows about English anyway.  Why not?

I can't get financial aid, though.  Not with the $737 student loan hanging over my head.  The university, when I called, said they can't help me get it deferred.  They sent me to a different place.  Oh no, they only deal with financial aid.  Sorry.  You have to talk to the people who hold the loans.  Well, do you know who that may be?  No.  Great.

The system is set up not to help.  I have a rock that I'm pushing.  And the system is trying to shove me back.

Momentary lapse of....something

I'll be back later when I'm more coherent and after battling with the website.

A new normal sound for life.

It took just a few days to fully transfer Imp and I less than two miles from one house to our new one.  So far, things have gone fairly smoothly.

In fact, as I type this, Imp and Mr. DJ are sprawled over their bits of the living room playing some hack'n'slash game on the PS3.  And Mr. DJ just tickled my foot.  The asshole.

I'm not saying that the house isn't still a disaster zone of 'what in the hell are we going to put this' but that will take time.

Side note: I can't find my knitting needle gauge.  I have no damned idea where it went during packing.

The cats, so far, have ignored my knitting.  Lily, the smaller of the two, has claimed my lap as Hers.  Lister, the large black ball of befuddlement kind of ignore me.  Occasionally he'll lay over an arm as I try to fill out an application.

Personally, I'm waiting for the weather to get and stay warm for more than a day or two at a stretch.

I keep my sanity in a box. Somewhere.

Hmmm, bad blogger, bad.  No comments for you.  I swear I didn't forget about this, really.

What can I say?  I've been...not busy, but busy some.  School for a while.  And depression played a part.

Let me rewind a couple decades for you.  I was diagnosed with depression when I was around sixteen or so.  I've had ups and downs ever since.  I've been meaning to call someone about it, but it keeps slipping my mind.  It's on the list.

A little over a year ago, I got bored and created a OkCupid account for giggles.  Almost immediately, I met someone.

Not the best picture, but it was taken with a cell phone.  He and I have been together for over a year now.  Imp and I are moving in with him.

Excuse me while I try to find my sanity in the mess of packing.

When the levee breaks

I live near the Mississippi River in Illinois.  Pretty close to St. Louis.  If anyone's been paying attention to the news lately, you may have noticed that we've gotten just a bit of rain.  Enough to breach a levee in a small town across the river from me earlier this week.

This is the local bridge, the New Clark Bridge.  It will always be called that.  Even though it's twenty years old now.  It was finished during the Flood of '93

The local landmark.  Those silos have two distinguishing marks on them now, there's a black base marking where the water level was in 1973, and roughly 13 feet higher, a red line telling people where the water crested in '93.

At the moment, we're under the '73 flood level, but just barely.

 

People here just shrug, grabs shovels, sandbags, and water pumps.  The river is home to many.  I live far enough away that I'm not effected directly, but some of my family lives on the flood plains.  One house you can see from the highway next to the levee.  

Yes, that last picture is of closed flood gates with water seeping under them.  I have a feeling that if I go back, there'd be sandbags there.

Bad blogger

I've been AWOL for awhile.  For no clear reason, really

While things have happened in my life, I just haven't had the urge to write.  It wasn't there.  It was....irritating.

So, you get a drive-by blog before I go put some make-up on to meet the guy I've been dating for six months or so, so that we can go to the symphony for his birthday.  Don't side-eye me, they're playing Pink Floyd. 

However, I enjoy classical music as well.  So, whatever.

School's done for another semester, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to swing another semester.  Or if I'm even going to get into the program I want.  I'll deal with that later. 

I'm knitting an absolutely fuckawesome star chart of a circular shawl called a Celestarium over on Ravelry.  As well as another beaded shawl for my best friend's wedding.  But something tells me that I may have to start that one over.  It just doesn't look right so far.  I'll have to take it to knit night or something to have it looked at maybe.  Because something about it bugging me to no end.

After the drought of last year, we've got more than enough rain.  I'll see if I can get pictures of the river levels sometime.  It's...impressive.

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue

The past week my college held a small health fair thingie where students could get flu shots (done!), free chair massages (thankyouthankyouthankyou), get you blood pressure taken (still as low as ever, roughly 117/70 or so), get checked for oral cancer (yeah, thanks but no, cancer will get me soon enough. Don't judge, I still have issues), and get screened for depression. I went for two reasons.

 One to get a flu shot. The other for extra credit for one class. In order to get the extra credit, I had to get the depression screening.

Frankly, I knew it would be a waste of time. No, not for what you're thinking. I've been dealing with depression for about half my life. I already know I'm depressed. I don't need some ticky boxes telling me that I am.

This is something that I deal with every.

Fucking. Day. No relief. No vacation. No telling myself that I get to have a break. I can't turn it off. I can't just 'be happy'. That would be like...telling Mt. Pinitubo not to blow. Okay?

 I can't. Not won't. Can't. If you're old enough, you'll remember the this is your brain on drugs commercials from the 80's. If not, I bet they're on YouTube. Want to see what a brain with depression looks like? Go here.

Depression is real. You can't touch it. But it's there. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I've never been suicidal. Even at my lowest. And I've been pretty low. At my lowest, I get the extreme urge to gather my kid, what little I can grab, get the car, and drive until I run out of money and gas. Then start over.

Why?

 Because everything I touch falls apart. Turns to shit. I'm worthless. No good. I can't do anything right. The list goes on and on.

 Only....the list?

It's loud, like acid. Yelling in my ear. And the voices yelling? They're right. So why try?

 Depression is me and countless others trying to struggle while others think we're lazy. Or making crap up. Yeah, not so much. My brain doesn't work like yours, or maybe it does. The chemicals may not be in balance along with come really crappy thinking and learned behavior.

 But by telling me it's my fault? You're adding to the pile. Don't shove me down. Help me up. I've learned that showing my weaknesses out in the so-called real world just leads to nothing but pain and heartache for me. So I don't. I hide my nice, soft, squishy insides under a hard layer of sarcasm.

 Most probably wouldn't realize that I struggle with depression unless I laid it out point-by-point to them. And that's both hurtful and sad. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm hurting myself. I can't get the help I need to dig myself out of the Pit of Despair.

 But I get so tired of people telling me to suck it up. Sorry folks, that only works for so long.

Out of the suit

I freely admit that I'm a geek.  I'm raising a geek (Imp recently made a LEGO mule from Serenity), most of my family seems to be one flavor of geek or another.

 See, isn't it AWESOME?  The blond is River, by the way.  I think he ran out of brunette wigs.  I'm still not sure why Jayne is a Musketeer.

My current geek?  The Avengers movie.  And Iron Man, and Thor, and Captain America, and Sherlock, and...

I know enough about the comics to truly enjoy the movies.  I want to get further into the comics.  Especially Marvel and Dark Horse.  Batman is about the only DC character that I enjoy.  Beats the hell out of me why, it just is.

As stated many times before I am a knitter.  Something that befalls most knitters (if not all, but I try not to make sweeping statements.  It gets me in trouble) is pretty yarn. 

One such enabler is BeunaSuerte.  She's evil!  She has put out a Shwarma yarn club based on various characters from Avengers.  This month was Genius, Billionare, Playboy, Philanthropist.  Tony Freakin' Stark. 

Now, what color should this yarn be?  Huh?  Like I have to ask.

620 yards of Hot rod red and a flash of gold.  In the words of JARVIS, classy.